


A taste of Betty Crocker

by Shitfacedanon



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Anal Play, Dubious Consent, F/F, F/M, Rimming
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-22
Updated: 2013-01-22
Packaged: 2017-11-26 10:39:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/649659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shitfacedanon/pseuds/Shitfacedanon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Before heading out to meet their best chum Dirk, the rest of the Alpha kids decide to pay a certain someone a little visit...</p>
            </blockquote>





	A taste of Betty Crocker

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah like around halfway through this I sorta just ditched any pretenses of being serious and just decided to be ridiculous.

“)(IC: gurl u made your cocoon”

“)(IC:DWI”

With those final words she ceased her short chat with the annoying little whelp, firmly pressing her thumb against the disconnect button on the clam shaped phone before slamming it shut just as abruptly. Her arms trembled then with barely concealed rage and frustration, her knuckles turning a light shade of fuchsia, her left hand’s fingers breaking the skin of her palm, causing small rivulets of blood to fall to the floor while her right hand tightly held the pink device; small hairline cracks emerging on its surface as it struggled against the crushing force of her anger. It took every ounce of her willpower not to vent her frustrations out on her phone or any unfortunate servant in her vicinity. She was so used to punishing any and all who even slightly offended her and in this instance she wanted so badly to take out some, even a trace amount of anger on at least one hapless slave. 

She then began to pace her quarters, hands still shaking and now little shards of plastic falling from the clam phone. She tried desperately to stifle her ruminations and shift her focus towards salvaging her plan. Entire sweeps had been devoted to preparing for this grand event, countless hours spent plotting and planning, innumerable resources and manpower exhausted towards furthering that most sought after yet so distant of rewards; freedom from that brutish green demon. Everything had gone so smoothly before, and yet right at the culmination of all her efforts, right when she needed things to go perfectly more then ever, it all came crashing down on her. That stupid human heiress of hers ditching the tiaratop and turning both she and her friends into those twisted parodies of themselves and even more frustratingly, right before the day when all her schemes would finally bear fruit. 

But what she was most upset by was that the human child’s unforeseeable transformation had utterly screwed with her dream to at long last make her extravagant entrance into this drama. Oh sure, the girl and her comrade’s new and bizarre state did muck up her overall plans quite a bit, that much was plain to see. But that wasn’t what had caused her so much distress. She could after all simply observe and see what capabilities these children possessed, and if needed, alter her plans accordingly. After all, one did not become nor stay Empress for long without learning to roll with whatever setbacks fate so loved to hand over and adapt to them as well, and time had honed her skills considerably. And what’s more, her naturally long life gave her more then all the time in paradox space to wait and see if needed. No, her overarching plot was, while a bit of a mess now, still not too much in danger. That however, was not what had infuriated her so. 

Today she was to make use of Jane to manipulate her friends, and one by one, remove that pesky free will of theirs and then have them prepare for tomorrow. And then at long last, after such a dreadfully, near agonizingly long stretch of time, she’d finally personally reveal herself to them in a grand and ostentatious display of regal and divine authority, complete with streamers, fancy expensive pink glitter, and the finest jesters in all of Derse. And then, most importantly of all, they’d all bow before her. And once that small yet oh so important gesture was complete, a lifetime of slavery and servitude. And in this context, lifetime meant until she’d run out of uses for them both for any plans or personal amusement, and then she’d kill them all. Except perhaps for the Lalonde girl, perhaps she could keep her around as a pet of some kind, and for whenever her more… Amorous inclinations took hold. 

But now, after everything she’d plan for, all the gold she’d spent, all that glitter she’d so painstakingly picked out, expending hour after hour making sure it was the exact hue she wanted, now all wasted. And worst of all, her precious narcissism had been insulted. If there was anything she could never forgive, it was someone so blatantly ruining a chance for her to show herself off and kneel before her as well. Oh sure she could always plan for another day, but what did that amount to? She had been pumped up for this day and this day alone and her bruised ego would not tolerate second helpings. “W)(o does that glubbing little beac)( t)(ink s)(e is tryin to steal my t)(under. I oughta fillet t)(at little c)(um bait alive for t)(is s)(it.” She muttered under her breath. Her anger grew ever stronger, rising in intensity until she finally gave in to her natural instincts, crushing her phone in her hand and smashing the remains to the ground, scattering bits of plastic and metal across the floor. “T)(is was supposed to be my day! MY DAY!!!” She rushed to her trident and launched it aimlessly, more in a fit of blind rage then in an attempt to attack any particular target. She stomped on the ground then, cracking the tiles beneath her and causing the furniture to jump slightly before continuing her empty threats.

“I’ll decorate my t)(rone wit)( )(er guts! I’ll wear )(er eyes like earrings!! I’ll skin t)(e little prawn alive and wear )(er skin like leat)(er and eat her limbs!! T)(at mot)(er fucker will learn w)(at )(appens w)(en you fuck wit)( )(ER IMPERIOUS CONDENSCENTION!!!” She gave out a childish sounding squeal and stomped her feet while flailing her balled fists up and down. “AUUUGH. FUCK. T)(AT. BEEEEEAC)(!!!!” She panted then, finally releasing all her pent up anger and resuming her typical calm and controlled demeanor. She had to keep her emotions under control, as enraging as it was to be slighted as such, and by a lowly rust blooded alien of all things, she realized that letting her rage control her too much would only muck up her plans further; though there was still a small satisfaction to be had with even a trace amount of venting. 

She then paced her personal quarters one more, plotting and planning on how to deal with this new development. Her plans would come for naught however, for in a few short seconds she would receive three particular guests. An explosion occurred and one of her walls fell loose, various bits of plaster and concrete flying free, destroying some of her most prized furniture in the process. Fittingly, it was the tricksters. Clad in the garish clothes that looked as if a drugged addled coke fiend high on LSD and acid had designed them. “Hi grandma-ma!” Jane said excitedly, apparently oblivious to the gross structural damage she’d cause her poor psychotic genocidal bitch of a hot and sexy great grandmother. 

“Sorry to interrupt whatever it was you’re doing but my friends and I thought we’d pay you a visit before we’d sent off our wedding invitations! And in fact I just wanted to say you’re invited Grandma! Isn’t that exciting!?” The Condesce stared at them, a confused look upon her face and all previous trace of anger now gone. She tried to collect her thoughts, but the sheer utter absurdity of the situation rendered her silent. “W)(at?” She said blankly, still to dumbstruck by previous events. “Why yes Grandma-ma!” Jane said, a dumb ass looking grin on her face and her hands pressed against her cheeks. “Me And Jake and Roxy are all getting married! And we’ll all gonna have lots of babies, me and Roxy! Lots and lots and lots! Zillions!!!” “oh I hope dirks not toooo gay.” Roxy said, the elevated blood alcohol content clearly affecting her judgment. “I jusht wanna ride his dick and, liek have all his totes gay babies. Like allll of them.” “As do I!!” Said Jake in response. “YES! Let us all have Dirk’s gay babies!” said Jane. “And let us have Jaeks retard babbies!” Roxy added. The trio then spent the next several minutes’ discussing all manner of improbable procreation between them, much to the intense disgust of the Condesce who was spending as much effort not to unload the contents of her stomach, holding a hand to her mouth whilst gagging. 

Jane then took notice of the Condesce gestures, pointing towards her and hoping to get the attentions of her comrades. “Why I forgot, Grandma-ma hates babies and marriage!” “What a shame dear Jane, what sad individual doesn’t love babies? Nor making them?” Said Jake. “Whhy I thick. Tchiiinnnk.. Think we should teach yours granmamas jusht how loevelee baby making can be doesn’t u agree janeeeey?” Roxy suggested. Jane slapped her hands together and gasped. “Why Roxy that’s ingenious! My great grandma-ma should know the wonders of babies and baby making and just all the lovely little parts of it! I mean we are trying to help each other riiiiiiiight?” The other two nodded enthusiastically, Roxy hugging herself while Jake twiddled his fingers together, eager to learn what scheme Jane had next. “Weeeelllll my finest friends, we should also be trying to help others overcome their issues as well!” “Why shaaannney, thassts fuckin brillant!!” Roxy said obnoxiously. “And my dearest and most wonderful caring grandma-ma needs to learn to overcome her fear of sex!” “Weeeesss needss ta help her deals with her viginitee-tee”.

If the Condesce could turn ghost white, she would have. Nervously she began to back away from the tricksters, occasionally glancing for her trident. All the discussion of human reproduction was unnerving her and she did not wish to know exactly what these intruders meant by “helping her”. The children looked at her, wide grins on their faces. She soon felt herself back against the wall and for the first time since her master introduced himself, felt fear. “A)()()()( s)(it.” Was all she could say right before the tricksters lunged at her.  
Roxy was the first to reach her, whipping towards her head and tightly grasping her long mane of hair, then firmly yanking it, causing the Condesce to fall to her face and grunt in pain. “Why janneeeies gram-ma-ma, what loveily hair yous gots.” “All the better for you to grab with Roxy my dear!” Jane responded. Jake was floating above her ass, that a wide macabre grin upon his face, looking as if he was eyeing some prey or fine piece of meat. He lowered himself and after sliding his palms against one another, licked his lips and gave the Condesce a good firm slap on her ass, causing her to grunt. “Whhhhhy Jane’s Great Grandmother, what a most splendiferous posterior you possess!!” “All the better for you to ogle at Jake!” Said Jane. The Condesce attempted to rise, only for Jane to plop herself on her head, grinding her rear side to side against the back of the fuchsia blooded troll’s head. “I swear I’ll cull you little.” Jane interrupted her threats, shoving the handle of her giant lollipop into the COndesce’ mouth, silencing any further protests. “Now now Grandma-ma. We’re only here to help and that means you shush yourself!” 

Jake then grabbed hold of the rubber like fabric of the Condesce’ wetsuit, eagerly ripping it off as if it was a wrapped present, exposing her tight, firm, and well toned ass. He then rested his head against them as if they were a pair of soft pillows and then rubbed the side of his face, a look of total content and sublime joy on him. He turned towards them, inhaling deep her royal scent and gasped in joy. “Why such an exotic aroma! I’d dare say it smells of the finest of raspberries and other tart fruit!” He waved his hand, urging his friends to partake in the fragrance, a wide and beaming grin across his face. “Chaps you simply must inhale this divine bouquet! Come! Come! Take it in!” Roxy floated towards him, extending her nose outwards and breathed deeply in an exaggerated manner, wafting her hands towards her face so as to take in as much smell as possible. After holding her breath briefly, she exhaled slowly, a feeling of contentment overcoming her.

“Ohh jake, u realy r soooo considereight. Susch a B-E-Auuuuutiful smell. Oh busch I wonder. Does schee taste as goods?” “Well Roxy my dear, only one way to find out!” Jake responded, pressing his thumbs against the Condesce’ ass cheeks and spreading them open. He lowered his face to her tight and pink pucker, opening his mouth and extending his tongue slowly. Roxy however grasped his shoulder, stopping him in his tracks. “Whyy jake, donsct u kno that ladeess go furst?” “Oh how forgetful of me Roxy! Of course! Of course! By all means!” He moved aside then, letting Roxy get a clear shot at her. She copied Jake’s earlier gesture, letting small beads of spittle slide down and off her tongue as she gradually approached the royal ass. 

As she made contact her tastebuds felt electrified, small hints of raspberry, pomegranate, and other unknown flavors and tastes mixing into a lovely sensation. She pulled her face back a bit, then after grasping hold of the Condesce ass, gave her a firm, slow lick. Dragging the whole of her tongue against the Queen’s rear and savoring every inch that passed. “It doez taste liek rasshbaries!” She exclaimed excitedly, eagerly returning to that pink starfish and planting her mouth against it, roughly pressing her hungry tongue along its surface, starved for more of that wonderful flavor. Occasionally she’d suck on it, trying desperately to do anything to steal more of that sweet raspberry mix; even going so far as to pierce the condense’ ass, enjoying the dual feeling of her sphincter tense against her and the sounds of the loing drawn out moaning she caused the Condesce to make . She soon felt a tap on her shoulder and ceased with her obsessive ass tonguing, turning to notice Jake standing with his trousers down and his dick out, fully erect and eager to dish out a lesson or two. “Now Roxy dear, I know how much you’ve been enjoying this but don’t be so selfish. How are we to dispel with Jane’s Great Grandmother’s sexual immaturity if you’re to hog her all to yourself now, hmmm?” 

Roxy lightly slapped her forehead, still retaining her giddy behavior while shrugging. “Oh jake how inconsiderit of me. If you were wantin to lick some ass then go ahed!” She stood aside and turned her hands into a presenting gesture, “We are ssusch goood helpfful pepols. Helpin janeys water bitch grandma wit her probs.” Roxy said. Jake positioned himself behind the Condesce, then after grabbing hold of her hips plunged his cock into her ass, causing her to lift her head in surprise. Jane however plopped herself again, keeping her in place and causing the Condesce to grumble. “Now Ms. Jane’s Grandmother, please try to hold still. How else are we to teach you about making babies if you keep squirming like that?” Jake said to her. 

“Jake you silly goose!” Jane exclaimed, wagging her finger at him. “That’s not where babies come from!” “Oh silly me Jane! Forgive me, I really have been spending far too much time in Dirk’s company it would seem.” Roxy perked up at the mention of Dirk’s name, dropping her martini glass in a rush of excitement. “Why we forgot dirk! What kinds of a weddins r we gonna haves without him?” Jake gasped in response, quickly pulling his cock out and dressing himself. “Why your correct Roxy my dear! How forgetful of us to forget our old chum Dirk! Let us be off then, pals. We shall collect Mr. Strider post haste and get this nuptial engagement on the way!” Jane pounced upwards, stabbing the air with her finger and then pointing towards the makeshift entrance they’d made earlier. “Onward then friends! Let us solve Dirk’s personal problems and have him join us in our group baby making session! ONWARDS!” 

The trio left abruptly, leaving the Condesce to lie upon the floor wondering exactly what had transpired. After some short amount of time she raised her head, spitting the lollipop free and pushing her hair aside. She struggled for a moment, trying to determine if she should be utterly outraged or turned on. While being forced upon in such a manner was disgusting in the extreme, and by humans of all beings, she had to admit it wasn’t that unpleasant an experience. Perhaps once she’d enslaved the children she could force them to reenact such behavior but in manner more degrading for them then her. As she stood to dust herself off she noticed Jane return, and felt a rush of panic. 

Jane bowed to the floor and quickly snatched her green and red sucker up, waving enthusiastically to the Condesce before gaily prancing off. “BYE GRANDMA-MA! WE’LL SEND WEDDING INVITATIONS! BRING CAKE!” The Condesce sighed to herself, rubbing her temples and regretting her previous refusal to accept the dignitary’s offer of a “light and a smoke.” As she looked around her personal quarters she thought to herself. If her boss wouldn’t be the death of her then the children would certainly be.


End file.
